Te Jester’s 53rd Myst: A Short Play Based on Vehevionian
by Akashi Gupta (India)
CHARACTERS:
ESMÉ GIGI GENEVIEVE SQUALOR (The wife)
OLAF (The husband)
MIHOVICH (The Jester)
KAMILLIKA (The mother of Vehevionian and Operations Manager of the City Auditorium)
THE EROCHVIKS (The voices of the Crypt).
(An opera-play is about to happen in the city auditorium. Olaf and Esmé, a very handsome couple arrive at 9:54 p.m. and enter the main entrance. Mihovich, a silly jester and seating in-charge stops before them. The couple then asks for directions to the theatre hall.)
ESMÉ: I am Esmé Gigi Genevieve Squalor city's sixth most important financial adviser and I command you stupid jester to show me and this very ugly man some seats for the play.
MIHOVICH: Nivir, Mil enakit vi Mihovich !
[Hello, My name is Mihovich !]
ESMÉ: Well, you don't suppose I would know the word-play, you're playing me with Mr. Melancho !
MIHOVICH: Site, we do seem to have a problem but I am 54 and you should have this sevetes batai!
[Woman, we do seem to have a problem but I am 54 and you should have this dark apple !]
ESMÉ: Me and my accomplice are not construction sites molar ! Now don't play with these little words of yours !
MIHOVICH: Previca site, to juggle is what I do but never can I tell you till quetei tes riddles haeveze !
[Beautiful woman, to juggle is what I do but never can I tell you till you solve these riddles quickly!]
OLAF: What riddles are that you talk about, what is it you laugh about and what is it you don't tell us ABOUT !
(As Olaf and Esmé ask for directions towards the theatre hall, Mihovich denies and asks them to solve some riddles first. As he tries to tell them about riddles, Kamillika, the Operations Manager, arrives at the entrance and Mihovich introduces her to the couple. She then takes them to the library and finally to the crypt.)
MIHOVICH: Meet Spivi Kamillika, she will take you in a gran river of BOOKS ! Bow to her and she might take you also, to the spivi and Vettsaaqa secret crypt which is 54 metres away from here!
[Meet sweet Kamillika, she will take you in a big river of BOOKS ! Bow to her and she might take you also, to the sweet and important secret crypt which is 54 metres away from here!]
ESMÉ: I didn't like or understand a word you uttered boy but-
KAMILLIKA: Ss! DID NOT UNDERSTAND ? How dare you Zinna, mavehena site ! The ereen pas laughs ti muna. Amma today, Tis' you who she laughs at! Amma again, no worries, let's walk together and lend me nel ears as I KAMILLIKA, teach you the history of Vewattique !
[Tsk! DID NOT UNDERSTAND ? How dare you, bitter, crazy woman! The young fish laughs at the moon. But today, Tis' you who she laughs at! But again, no worries, let's walk together and lend me nel ears as I KAMILLIKA, teach you the history of Vewattique !]
ESMÉ: Well, if it is going to get me to the sugar bo- I meant the library and the crypt then I shall be in the mood.
(As the silly jester goes back to serve teas to the 54 guests, Kamillika, Esmé and Olaf walk together in a symphony hearing her talk)
KAMILLIKA: Ne see, Vehevionian is a constructed language with its own phonetics, writing system, grammar, and history. Kavahos going to introduce you to te foundations of te language and how it sounds.
[You see, Vehevionian is a constructed language with its own phonetics, writing system, grammar, and history. I am going to introduce you to the foundations of the language and how it sounds.]
OLAF: You owe me 54 candies !
KAMILLIKA: So, Vehevionian vi mostly phonetic with 'E' being often silent. Te letter 'e' in Vehevionian vi often used to help with rhythm, word structure, ve the look of spelling, but vi not always pronounced.
[So, Vehevionian is mostly phonetic with 'E' being often silent. The letter 'e' in Vehevionian is often used to help with rhythm, word structure, and the look of spelling, but it is not always pronounced.]
OLAF: Is it just like how I am OH LUVF and people call me OLAF !
ESMÉ: No dear, I am sure she means something else like Cstatic instead of Ecstatic. Right Vivi ?
KAMILLIKA: Kavahos not Vivi amma, ne might be correct tie the words were the same in both English ve Vehevionian ve only the phonetics were different. Also, Ecstatic is Vamovehena.
[I am not Vivi but you might be correct if the words were the same in both English and Vehevionian and only the phonetics were different. Also, Ecstatic is Vamovehena.]
ESMÉ: Well-
KAMILLIKA: Ail. [Well]
ESMÉ: oh goodness!
KAMILLIKA: oh geaherein ! [Oh goodness! ]
ESMÉ: Well I mean Hail (laughs hysterically).
KAMILLIKA: This is the Crypt !
ESMÉ: what ?
OLAF: Oh CRyyyPT ! My Crypt!
(They then reach the crypt instead of the library.)
KAMILLIKA: Mil crypt ! Both figuratively ve literally!
[My crypt! Both figuratively and literally!]
(Esmé, Olaf and Kamillika could also hear the muffled voices of the audience who had already sat in their seats awaiting the performance to begin )
KAMILLIKA: Ail, I thought nes two to be smart enough so bew are here vusaide te crypt gleso you will find te questions nes both long awaited for ! Also, te library would have wasted our precious time.
[Well, I thought you two to be smart enough so we are here inside the crypt where you will find the questions you both have long awaited for ! Also, the library would have wasted our precious time.]
ESMÉ: She's right about that you know.
KAMILLIKA: Ua [She]
ESMÉ: yes I meant the same. Hail-
KAMILLIKA: Ail !
ESMÉ: Whatever. When are we going to get the questions though.
KAMILLIKA: Uand they come ! [Here they come!]
(As they step inside Crypt, a green mist surrounds the entire dark room and the door behind them closes)
(Kamillika then chants an old English prayer loudly)
KAMILLIKA: Crypto Sacto, Urkas Mekto
Here they arrive your devotees
Make them at home but do not forget
The only home they want lies behind you
Make them answer
But ask only three !
ESMÉ (who is now impressed): What previca poetry she sang!
OLAF (angrily): I can sing better than her. I am an ACToR !
( Mihovich is at the door knocking very loudly )
MIHOVICH ( in a muffled voice): Lady Kamillika, open the door, I bought candies.
OLAF: Can you hear something because I can !
KAMILLIKA: Pay no heed but attention to this crypt !
Sudden voices: We have a name! The Erochviks ! How would you say it ?
(Some voices then started coming from the ceiling inside the crypt)
KAMILLIKA: Rochviks. Kavahos Kamillika!
[Rochviks. I am Kamillika! ]
(The voices a.k.a The Erochviks then started asking the three questions that would finally lead them all towards their seats.)
(Esmé and Olaf then answer the questions while Kamillika stands beside them watching them.)
The EROCHVIKS: Good day lady !
Now, time has begun and so have the questions !
First to the fashion. Question: How is 'U' pronounced in Vehevionian ?
ESMÉ: Haha Tis' me fashion ! And oooh what a nice questi-
The EROCHVIKS: CORRECT !
ESMÉ (to herself): What, I didn't even answer that! Maybe this system is faulty !
The EROCHVIKS: To the old man.
Ques. Ok-ok what's next.
When you can't say no and have to eat a Marlboro.
Either you have allergies or not enough apologies !
Tell me what you tell !
OLAF: I am not an OL'MAN ! I am an actor !
ESMÉ: (to olaf) Is it a firetruck? I have seen many riddles and the ones you can't answer have firetrucks as an answer. (To Kamillika) Can you give this poor old man some hint ?
KAMILLIKA: Ail, I could say that all the riddles are connected with the Vehevionian language !
OLAF (disgusted): Arghh thank you Vivi. Like that HELPS !
THE EROCHVIKS: What did you say old man ?
OLAF: Thank you Vivi and I am not an old man !
The EROCHVIKS: CORRECT !
OLAF: See I told you that it is correct that I am not an old man. Even these unknown, strange, and old-man voices understand !
ESMÉ: And I am also correct that this system is faulty!
The EROCHVIKS: Last to both !
Question: Sp-
OLAF: WAIT ! I can hear a familiar voice at the door ! Is it that jester ?
(Olaf walks towards the door and tries to open it while Kamillika stops him)
KAMILLIKA: Non, non, non ! Don't do that !
[No, no, no ! Don't do that!]
(Olaf manages to open the door)
OLAF: See, I guessed it right ! It is him ! And what do you want ?
MIHOVICH: I came here to give these 54 candies !
(Olaf snatches the candies out of Mihovich 's hand and shuts the door )
OLAF: Yes continue please, while I eat these candies and give none to you all (laughs hysterically).
KAMILLIKA: What did you do ! Te Erochviks are angry ! You put a curse on yourself ! Let us first answer te questions and take our seats and then we'll try to solve te obstacle that is going to fall upon you all.
[What did you do ! The Erochviks are angry ! You put a curse on yourself ! Let us first answer the questions and take our seats and then we'll try to solve the obstacle that is going to fall upon you all.]
ESMÉ: What is this crazy lady saying !? A curse !
The EROCHVIKS (angrily): Here is te question and don't interrupt for the curse is strong and shall bewitch you all ! To both of you. Question: Speak up, speak up for you can speak only much ! The total might hunt you if you can't tell what it is.
ESMÉ: I am worried ! But we shouldn't waste any more time. So, he talked about something totally, I guess.
OLAF: Hey! Maybe it is the total number of people present here .
ESMÉ: Ail, you might be correct but this woman right here said that ALL the riddles are connected with Vehevionian language so I guess you're wrong.
OLAF: Well I think that I have made a grave mistake. I shouldn't do it anymore. Let's think about it seriously.
ESMÉ: (To Kamillika) Can't we get any more hints ?
KAMILLIKA: I am afraid not !
ESMÉ: Oh lord ! So uhmm... Let's think of all the things that we talked about and she told us about Vehevionian. I remember that that jester said a bunch of words in that language when we arrived here. Like site and ve or vi I think.
OLAF: It is not much help. Let's think about the question first. It was asking for what total of something was and all the questions were connected with the Vehevionian language .
ESMÉ: Does this mean that we have to tell the total number of characters in the Vehevionian language ?
OLAF: I think you're correct ! But we do not know the answer to that !
ESMÉ: Ail, you're right. Let's drop this. We already have a curse hovering upon us and we can't even answer this question!
OLAF: Hey, maybe not. Remember, how many metres away was this crypt from the point where we arrived first ?
ESMÉ: 50 something I guess ?
OLAF: 54 ! It was 54 metres just like the number of candies that Mihovich brought here !
ESMÉ: Should we say 54 ?
OLAF: Well, what can happen?
(They both answer '54' together in a rhythm. But, suddenly the green mist turns black making them unable to see and even breathe )
KAMILLIKA: (coughing) - Oh enny ! You answered it wrong ! This mist is turning poisonous !
[Oh no ! You answered it wrong ! This mist is turning poisonous !]
ESMÉ (coughing loudly): Maybe the system had some errors. It was faulty from the beginning !
OLAF: (choking) - I think we're going to die ! Somebody help !
(Suddenly, the mist goes away and the lights open by themselves)
The EROCHVIKS: Hahahaha this curse is now over ! This system is not faulty and you gave the correct answer!
ESMÉ: I thought of myself as dead ! Who would have been the city's sixth most important financial advisor if not me !
OLAF: What a bad joke, voices !
ESMÉ: Yes ! It was a very, very bad joke !
(All three then take their seats and the wonderful play of a mighty jester follows them on stage).
